Cyber bullying, how people can be so cruel, but why? 

Cyber bullying, how people can be so cruel, but why? 

When someone attacks you through the window of their computer or phone and has a real go at you for no apparent reason it really has an impact on your mindset. It is easy to be a cyber bully because no one can see you and you can even use a fake name to attack someone. You can instantly feel better about yourself from the pleasure you got from hurting someone. You can easily deny it was you because “that’s not my name”, “I’m not that kind of person”, you can pretend to be someone else to the world but the reality is that you prey on the insecurities of your victim and you get real joy out of saying every mean thing you can think of to them without any consequence. 

But there is a consequence 

The consequence is how it effects the mental health of the person you are attacking. You don’t know how they might already be feeling when your venoumous words spread through the persons body like an ever consuming poison. You don’t know they might already be at breaking point when your words took that brokenness and pushed it over the edge. You don’t know how the darkness can overcome all the light in that persons life. The truth is you don’t know what real harm your words can do. 

I have over the last year experienced this myself. In February last year in my Facebook messenger was a message request that abused me for keeping in touch with my exs brothers, for calling them my brothers, for being so pathetic that I have broken relationships, how ugly a person I am, all the things that are wrong with me, how I have no life and nothing better to do then bother my exs family it went on and on. I blocked this person and was really upset as to where they got many of their inaccurate information from. Yes I had my exs brothers on my Facebook but only ever wished them happy birthday and they did the same and no one thought anymore of it. We had many mutual friends and as far as I knew it wasn’t an issue with anyone. If I was pathetic for keeping in touch with them, they were rightly just as “pathetic” for keeping in touch with me. I messaged them and apologised if I caused any drama in their family and thought that was the end of that. I was really hurt and upset because I hadn’t done anything to cop that much abuse from anyone specially someone I had never met or heard of and I certainly hadn’t done anything wrong. Also my exs relationship was over 9 years ago at the time of the abuse. So why now? Why all the rage? I failed to understand and eventually forgot about it. 

Then last year in July I got more messages from a fake name saying how ugly I was. Again I was really hurt and didn’t understand who this person was and why they were targeting me. I felt really insecure and hurt that someone I don’t know would go through the trouble to make a fake profile and contact me. At this point I didn’t know that both these incidents were related. 

Last night I got another message from a different name saying how ugly I was and it used the same words that the message in July to insult me, that’s what made me realise it’s the same person. They also pointed out that I was an ugly Fijian and why anyone would want to be married to me because of how ugly I was. This was really hurtful. I was already not feeling great about myself over the last few months and this really brought me back down. It hit me hard, it repeated in my head. Sadly it has been the same person who has been responsible for all of these messages. 

What does the bully gain? 

That is what I asked myself. Why after so long when I have long forgotten about these people and my relationship with them and moved forward with my life, why am I being harassed about it? What is this person getting from going through the trouble to create fake profiles just to message me abuse? Does it make them feel better in their relationship or about their appearance and insecurities? The bully here is suffering some sort of issue which is affecting their mindset and causing them some aggrevation and they need to project it onto someone to feel better?  Well that is how I feel. They are the one suffering a mental illness that needs to be addressed before it becomes something even more dangerous. 

So who needs the real help?

Well I do feel really hurt but the bully is obviously also experiencing something to have that sort of an outrage to someone they don’t even know. They must be suffering their own insecurities. I’m not trying to validate what this person has done because I am very hurt by it. I am just trying to understand what they have to gain. The issue here is one of mental illness for the the victim and bully. Does the bully even know they need help and support? I would say in most cases the answer is no. I will talk to my family and friends and get other support for how I am feeling. I will use this blog as an outlet and start to forget and feel better and if it continues I will get the police involved. But the bully is doing this secretly under the disguise of someone else, how will they get help? Even if someone confronts them they will deny it was them. What if the problem keeps festering inside and it goes beyond cyber bullying? Can something be done to treat this bully today so it doesn’t ruin their own or anyone else’s future? Does the bully have the potential to go over the edge and do something to harm others? There might be potential. 

Maybe I am being extreme but you never know what is going on in the mind of another person and what it can take to push that person beyond breaking point. For both the victim and the bully. If we treated our bully’s there might be a lot less victims? It really makes me wonder. 

On the road to overcoming  my struggles 

On the road to overcoming  my struggles 

I made a decision that I don’t  want to feel the way I have been lately and needed to do something to break out of this low mood and lack of motivation with life. 

I thought about what things I can start doing now to help me change my state of mind. To reenergise me and start making me feel positive and alive. Doing things that will help me feel like I’m a doing something meaningful. I decided to go back to some old things that I enjoyed doing with my family such as doing outdoor activities. So every weekend my husband and I are going to do just that. Last Saturday we packed a picnic and took ourselves and our puppy to the beach. 

We spent the whole day playing with our puppy, relaxing, soaking in some sun and I felt really great at the end of the day. But the next morning I had the same lack of motivation. So I have to keep this up and hopefully how I feel will improve in time. 

I also decided to try some new things and with the help of some friends and family have the current list of things I’m going to start doing. 

1. Learn a language 

2. Learn to dance 

3. Learn to play guitar 

4. Write a book about my cat

5. Learn a martial art 

6. Join a social club 

7. Be comfortable in my own skin – I had already started this one from the beginning of the year, more on this later. 

8. Try surfing 

9. Visit new places in Australia 

10. Do a counselling course and volunteer at lifeline  

The plan is to add more to this list but this is what I have for now. Here is hoping for feeling better and learning some new skills. 

What has happened to me? 

What has happened to me? 

Lately I find myself wondering around just getting by in life. Doing the same things day in day out, working a job that is totally rubbish, with a not so great manager who has no clue how to manage people or be innovative. I moved away from my family four and half years ago and spend a lot of my time by myself. The last year has taken its toll on me and I feel I’m at a point where I can’t see why I should keep being positive. My job is pretty isolating I’m either seeing clients or working from home with the supervision of my cat Romeo. The job gives me no mental stimulation and I have been doing it for the last year. I can’t complain, I get paid pretty well, have a work car and a car space in the city and barely do any hard work. But I am complaining!

Why? Because it’s not enough for me to just get by doing nothing with myself and not achieving anything. I feel like I have wasted a year and a half of my life. I feel like my life has no purpose and I’m just wasting away. 

Lately I have been really negative, I am hardly able to even get out of bed because I don’t see the point or purpose in getting up. What am I going to do with my day? Nothing is the answer. How it became like this sneaked up on me without even realising, funny how that happens isn’t it. Before I knew it I was sitting there crying to my husband at what little purpose my life has, how I only interact with someone else maybe 3 hours a day. How I have achieved nothing in my life. How I don’t know how to make it better, how I can not get out of bed each morning. I just can’t see how I can get out of this. 
I tell myself maybe I am becoming depressed as a result of always having to fight for things this far in my life. Maybe my fight is all gone? But surely there is more to life then just working, cooking, cleaning, paying bills, going on holiday once a year? Surely this can’t be it? Can it? I’m sure I am here for a greater purpose? Or maybe I’m not!! What have I become? Who do I want to even be? The answer is that I don’t know. But what I do know is this can’t be it. There has to be more. 

Sugar Sweet 

Sugar Sweet 

I have been a bit MIA with blog posts and this is because I have been on a couple of vacations lately. I’m going to break up some topics and things I discovered while on holiday over a few posts. This one is all about my sugar consumption. 

Let them eat cake 

I was never a big sugar eater, not one to have a sweet tooth. So giving up sugar for me was easy. I haven’t had any sugar since Christmas 2014. This doesn’t include natural sugar such as fruit or honey. After cutting it out, I thought while on holiday I would ensure I still had no gluten or soy, but dropped the guards slightly on sugar and dairy. Also because it was my Birthday I wanted to have cake (gluten free of course). 

I had something with sugar in it for the 7 days I was on the cruise ship, it wasn’t excessive, it was only as a dessert form (I didn’t go overboard -pun intended). I found initially I had a headache from eating sugar, but surprisingly for me, I did not experience an inflammatory reaction from sugar or dairy. To be honest I actually felt better, I didn’t experience fatigue and was sleeping better. (This could also be because I wasn’t at work or in cold Melbourne). Mentally I felt happier because I didn’t have to cut sugar out completely from my life anymore, at least I felt since my body didn’t react having sugar for me was still an option on occasion. 

I also attended an Indian wedding last week in Fiji and as Indian weddings go, it’s all sweets all of the time. If you love sweets it is very difficult to avoid it. You have to have an iron will to not have any. I can say I only ate 2 pieces of sweets in the whole wedding week. I avoided it because even though I didn’t react to it on the cruise ship, I know my body doesn’t need the sugar. 

I went and spoke to my dermatologist soon after to discuss my findings and she advised me that from research they have found gluten to have a relationship with inflammation but nothing scientifically proven to show that sugar, dairy or soy should be avoided. I also discussed this with my Rhuematologist and we discussed it was okay for me on occasion. 

There is a lot of talk about sugar lately and many people are completely removing it from their diet and if you want to do this it will be better for you and your body. But we are all human and sometimes you just want to eat dessert like everyone else.  Although as I mentioned I gave it up easily I did sometimes feel that I just wanted to “be like everyone else” and just eat a dessert. The mental effects sometimes I felt was not worth it.  Sometimes always cutting everything out and still being in pain made me sad. If however, when I ate sugar I had an inflammatory response (which to be honest I expected) and I was in pain, I don’t think it is something I would continue to eat even on special occasion. For me it wouldn’t be worth the pain. But for me I’m in pain most days and fatigued and eating sugar did not increase my pain levels or fatigue. 

I’m not saying for everyone now to go out and eat sugar. By no means do I encourage eating sugar. I still will remove sugar from my diet, except on occasion. But I will no longer be the sugar nazi that I had become. Everyone is different and everyone’s body reacts differently, the best way to find out if your body reacts to something is to completely cut it out for atleast 3 months then try it again in a small quantity and see what your body does. Speak to your specialist and determine if this is suitable for you and your condition. And make the right choices based on your body and your mental health. 

I will continue to make sugar free treats at home and stick to a sugar and gluten free diet because I do believe this is better for me. But atleast I know if I really wanted to, I could have a dessert and not have a reaction to it. 

That’s something for me to smile about