Lately I find myself wondering around just getting by in life. Doing the same things day in day out, working a job that is totally rubbish, with a not so great manager who has no clue how to manage people or be innovative. I moved away from my family four and half years ago and spend a lot of my time by myself. The last year has taken its toll on me and I feel I’m at a point where I can’t see why I should keep being positive. My job is pretty isolating I’m either seeing clients or working from home with the supervision of my cat Romeo. The job gives me no mental stimulation and I have been doing it for the last year. I can’t complain, I get paid pretty well, have a work car and a car space in the city and barely do any hard work. But I am complaining!
Why? Because it’s not enough for me to just get by doing nothing with myself and not achieving anything. I feel like I have wasted a year and a half of my life. I feel like my life has no purpose and I’m just wasting away.
Lately I have been really negative, I am hardly able to even get out of bed because I don’t see the point or purpose in getting up. What am I going to do with my day? Nothing is the answer. How it became like this sneaked up on me without even realising, funny how that happens isn’t it. Before I knew it I was sitting there crying to my husband at what little purpose my life has, how I only interact with someone else maybe 3 hours a day. How I have achieved nothing in my life. How I don’t know how to make it better, how I can not get out of bed each morning. I just can’t see how I can get out of this.
I tell myself maybe I am becoming depressed as a result of always having to fight for things this far in my life. Maybe my fight is all gone? But surely there is more to life then just working, cooking, cleaning, paying bills, going on holiday once a year? Surely this can’t be it? Can it? I’m sure I am here for a greater purpose? Or maybe I’m not!! What have I become? Who do I want to even be? The answer is that I don’t know. But what I do know is this can’t be it. There has to be more.