What has happened to me? 

What has happened to me? 

Lately I find myself wondering around just getting by in life. Doing the same things day in day out, working a job that is totally rubbish, with a not so great manager who has no clue how to manage people or be innovative. I moved away from my family four and half years ago and spend a lot of my time by myself. The last year has taken its toll on me and I feel I’m at a point where I can’t see why I should keep being positive. My job is pretty isolating I’m either seeing clients or working from home with the supervision of my cat Romeo. The job gives me no mental stimulation and I have been doing it for the last year. I can’t complain, I get paid pretty well, have a work car and a car space in the city and barely do any hard work. But I am complaining!

Why? Because it’s not enough for me to just get by doing nothing with myself and not achieving anything. I feel like I have wasted a year and a half of my life. I feel like my life has no purpose and I’m just wasting away. 

Lately I have been really negative, I am hardly able to even get out of bed because I don’t see the point or purpose in getting up. What am I going to do with my day? Nothing is the answer. How it became like this sneaked up on me without even realising, funny how that happens isn’t it. Before I knew it I was sitting there crying to my husband at what little purpose my life has, how I only interact with someone else maybe 3 hours a day. How I have achieved nothing in my life. How I don’t know how to make it better, how I can not get out of bed each morning. I just can’t see how I can get out of this. 
I tell myself maybe I am becoming depressed as a result of always having to fight for things this far in my life. Maybe my fight is all gone? But surely there is more to life then just working, cooking, cleaning, paying bills, going on holiday once a year? Surely this can’t be it? Can it? I’m sure I am here for a greater purpose? Or maybe I’m not!! What have I become? Who do I want to even be? The answer is that I don’t know. But what I do know is this can’t be it. There has to be more. 

Advertisements
Another day, another dollar: my morning narrative. 

Another day, another dollar: my morning narrative. 

 

What is that blaring noise? 

My eyes they can barely open, they are so puffy and sore it’s hard to see anything. I look over to my phone by my bed and the alarm is going off.  It’s 7am, time to get up, time to get ready, time to go to work for another day. As I reach over to the phone my arm feels so heavy, my head feels so heavy, my body it refuses to move.  “Come on”, I tell myself. “If you don’t get up now you will be late for work, again”. But my body refuses. I tell myself 10 more minutes and I’ll be ok. 

My eyes open again, I feel exhausted.  My body aches, my legs are sore. It is so hard to move the blanket, it just feels so heavy. I tell myself “one leg at a time, you just have to sit up”.  It takes some time but finally I’m sitting on my bed, my feet are touching the floor. I just don’t know where I’m going to find the energy to get dressed, look normal, get to the train station and make it through 8 hours of work. I think to myself maybe I should stay at home, but I can’t say I’m working from home again, I can’t call in sick again, I don’t want to keep disappointing people who are counting on me. I force myself to the bathroom, I tell myself “I am stronger than this” and just put one foot in front of the other. 

It’s takes some effort and some time, but I get my body moving, I feel my joints loosen a bit, I don’t have the energy to even put on my makeup or do my hair, but I have to, for me. I tell myself “If I look like nothing is wrong, I can bluff through the day, people won’t ask me what’s wrong”. By this time I’m already running late. Still feeling exhausted, I get my things and get into the car to drive myself to work. It’s so cold outside.  I drive to the train station, the car park is full.  I have to park about a 5 minute walk away from the station. I have to motivate myself,  “you are almost there you just have to make it into the train and you’ll be fine”.  Standing on the platform waiting for the train, it is so cold, I think about the longer I stand here the more energy I waste trying to stay warm.  The train finally arrives and it’s packed. I see so many sick people who I have to be so close to “what if I get a virus”.  No one offers their seat, I feel angry because I’m struggling. I tell myself why should they, I don’t have a physical disability. The train ride is only 15 minutes, but for 15 minutes I concentrate on my breathing, as I start to feel dizzy I stress about fainting on the train. I think about the time I fainted on the train on the way to work last year and hit my head and fear that it will happen again. The whole 15 minutes I feel so tense. 

The announcement comes on that we are arriving at Flagstaff station and I feel relieved that I made it. Now to get through the crowd and walk to work. Only a 5 minute walk, but I have already wasted half of my energy and I haven’t even made it to work.   I get to work it’s a little past 9am, I’m late, I know I’m late. I walk in, I smile, I say Goodmorning. 

The charade begins