What is that blaring noise?
My eyes they can barely open, they are so puffy and sore it’s hard to see anything. I look over to my phone by my bed and the alarm is going off. It’s 7am, time to get up, time to get ready, time to go to work for another day. As I reach over to the phone my arm feels so heavy, my head feels so heavy, my body it refuses to move. “Come on”, I tell myself. “If you don’t get up now you will be late for work, again”. But my body refuses. I tell myself 10 more minutes and I’ll be ok.
My eyes open again, I feel exhausted. My body aches, my legs are sore. It is so hard to move the blanket, it just feels so heavy. I tell myself “one leg at a time, you just have to sit up”. It takes some time but finally I’m sitting on my bed, my feet are touching the floor. I just don’t know where I’m going to find the energy to get dressed, look normal, get to the train station and make it through 8 hours of work. I think to myself maybe I should stay at home, but I can’t say I’m working from home again, I can’t call in sick again, I don’t want to keep disappointing people who are counting on me. I force myself to the bathroom, I tell myself “I am stronger than this” and just put one foot in front of the other.
It’s takes some effort and some time, but I get my body moving, I feel my joints loosen a bit, I don’t have the energy to even put on my makeup or do my hair, but I have to, for me. I tell myself “If I look like nothing is wrong, I can bluff through the day, people won’t ask me what’s wrong”. By this time I’m already running late. Still feeling exhausted, I get my things and get into the car to drive myself to work. It’s so cold outside. I drive to the train station, the car park is full. I have to park about a 5 minute walk away from the station. I have to motivate myself, “you are almost there you just have to make it into the train and you’ll be fine”. Standing on the platform waiting for the train, it is so cold, I think about the longer I stand here the more energy I waste trying to stay warm. The train finally arrives and it’s packed. I see so many sick people who I have to be so close to “what if I get a virus”. No one offers their seat, I feel angry because I’m struggling. I tell myself why should they, I don’t have a physical disability. The train ride is only 15 minutes, but for 15 minutes I concentrate on my breathing, as I start to feel dizzy I stress about fainting on the train. I think about the time I fainted on the train on the way to work last year and hit my head and fear that it will happen again. The whole 15 minutes I feel so tense.
The announcement comes on that we are arriving at Flagstaff station and I feel relieved that I made it. Now to get through the crowd and walk to work. Only a 5 minute walk, but I have already wasted half of my energy and I haven’t even made it to work. I get to work it’s a little past 9am, I’m late, I know I’m late. I walk in, I smile, I say Goodmorning.
The charade begins